Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggy" until you can find a rock.

Power means not having to respond.

The revolution will not be televised.

The secret of the universe is @*& NO CARRIER

You have large reserves of smug self-satisfaction and suppressed feelings of superiority. Draw on these resources. Accept the fact that you will never fully understand why others are so inferior to you.

You are the Chosen One, just like you always suspected.

As a member of the world conspiracy, you control your own future.

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.

I am your king, and you'd better do what I say or else I can't be king anymore.
-- B. Kilblain

Onward, through the fog.

Ignore alien orders.

You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.

We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.

The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.

God is dead and I want His job.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

"Pillage, Rape, and Loot and Burn" -- Matt Mullin
(to "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious")
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn,
but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say
then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your friends and enemies,
and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn,
but all in moderation.

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
-- Scottish Comedian Billy Connely

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.

If you love something, kill it. If it returns, you belong to it forever.

Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest, with an ax.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.

Guests who kill talk show hosts - On the last Geraldo

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill. Even with a chainsaw.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

Never kick a man unless he's down.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Your calculus grades may be misleading, but skill at lying, deception, and abusing peoples' trust is much more useful than calculus anyway.

You're too unstable to understand yourself, much less calculus or other people.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.

Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Earn cash in your spare time---blackmail friends.

Today is a good day to blackmail a corporate executive.

The following statement appeared in the August 1993 issue of "PS Magazine" (pg 9), the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance:
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.

If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!

Dear Mrs., Mr., Miss, or Mr. and Mrs. Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action.
-- Joseph Heller,_Catch-22_

*** NEWSFLASH *** Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!

Draft beer, not people.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

"Do you surrender?"
"I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!"
"Yeah, we noticed. That's why we asked."

"Of course the whole point of the Dooms Day Machine is lost if you keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world?"
-- Dr. Strangelove

Gentlemen! You can't fight in here; this is the war room!
-- President Mercan Muffly, from _Dr. Strangelove_

"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in."
-- George McGovern

Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.

It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

Practice safe government---use kingdoms.
Anarchist reply: Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure.

Why settle for the lesser evil? Cthulhu for President.

Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
-- Woody Allen, on the KKK

Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

I drink to make other people interesting.

If they don't want us to drink and drive, why do you have to have a driver's license to buy beer?

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
-- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961

Former jockey Willie Shoemaker, paralyzed in a single-car accident he had while driving drunk, has sued the state of California for negligence because there were no rubber guardrails where the crash occurred.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.

You may find happiness at the bottom of an ordinary-looking bottle of beer. You must be over the age of 21, enter as often as you want. If you win a hangover instead, congratulations! God hates you

.... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
-- J. B. White

At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985

Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet. Basic in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants. C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.

I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'.
-- Carl Shipley

One item could not be deleted because it was missing.
-- Mac System 7.0b1 error message

C code. C code run. Run code, run...please?

Scientific American, July 1991: The column describes an insect-like robot and then relates an incident in which a curious visitor, upon seeing the thing for the first time, asks "is it a bug?" The reply: "No, it's a feature.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

UNIX: When you can't afford the very best.

UNIX is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully.

Chief weapons of UNIX: Fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. ... Why do you find that funny?"
-- D. Taylor

It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and BSD UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy?

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either.
-- Marvin Minsk

Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

Bus error: passengers dumped.

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea.

Seen in TV Guide, describing a Star Trek episode: 'Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk.'

Recursive, adj.; see Recursive

'They told me I was gullible...and I BELIEVED them!'

It is a sobering thought, for example that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
--Tom Lehrer

Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

"make lot's of money", "enjoy work", "operate within the law":
choose 2
--Brian Anderson

"We'll call it S for cyclic."
--Dr. Gord Sinnamon, Mathematics

"On Oprah Winfrey's income: $83 million? Oprah and I do basically the same thing. Stand in front of people and abuse them."
-- Unknown Physics Prof.

Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing.

A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living.

35% of all statistics are completely useless.

If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion.

Disclaimer: I used to be sane, but I got better.

It's not whether you win or lose, It's whether *I* win or lose.

"Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side, and a dark side, and it binds the universe together."
-- Carl Zwanzig

"The world is coming to an end. Please log off."
-- Bob Irwin

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Be different: Conform.

Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath.

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.

Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.

Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Everyone will avoid you, even though your personality isn't infectious..

The extreme monotony of your life will cause you to hallucinate.

Look to cemeteries for sexual satisfaction.

Necrophiliacs find you attractive.

Optimists will pretend you're invisible.

You will develop a sense of humor and die laughing at yourself.

Your long life will reflect the advantages of dying young.

You need a prescription for a mind-altering drug that hasn't been invented yet.

Look to premature senility to save your self-respect.

Look to be pleasantly surprised sometime around mid-May, 2023.

Close friends will surprise you tonight with the absence of a party.

You're a horrible monster trapped in a human body.

Take comfort in the saying "beauty is only skin deep".

Tell yourself that a dull life is a sign of a fulfilled person.

A RARE CONJUNCTION OF STARS means bad luck for the rest of your life.

Your world is a miserable, doomed place.

Do whatever you want. You don't matter.

Lying is your key.

A disfiguring car accident will improve your looks.

You will soon be able to do all the things sane people can do.

Events later this year will prove your life isn't as bad as it could be.

All your fantasies will come true after your imagination is surgically removed.

The simple life is your key. It will make you miserable.

Neurologists will discover that the voices you hear in your head are only echoes.

Your hopes and your future have nothing in common.

Your dog finds you repulsive.

You will only find peace when you yield completely to society's control.

Your dog is aging faster than you are.

You will meet your perfect mate today. Congratulations! It's yourself.

Very large doses of radiation could release power hidden in your dormant genes.

Sixty years from now, you'll start to doubt that the only way to fail in life is by not trying.

You'll never find out whether you're miserable because you're a failure or vice versa.

People who believe, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," will refuse to talk to you.

Listen to your instincts, and do the opposite.

Over the next few decades you'll convince people to stop pretending that survival requires courage, intelligence and wisdom.

Your loved ones will donate your corpse to science while you're still healthy.

Cannibalism suits you.

You deserve to be disappointed.

Your fish resents your control over its life.

You will be thrown out of the sanitarium when your family refuses to pay.

You have a knack for doublethink that you never realized you had. In fact, you will never realize it.

You have a special understanding of the mentally ill, and they have a special understanding of you.

Your lucky number is 511. Play the lottery every day, because you have no talents, and unless dumb luck makes you rich, people will continue to shun you.

Your multiple personalities don't prevent you from being dull.

Never argue with a fool; others may not be able to tell the difference.

There's more than one way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.

Chu P'ing-man spent a thousand in gold and three years learning dragon killing from Hunchback Yi only to learn there was no place for him to practice his art.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"

From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die:
Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck..

A day without sunshine is like night.

<Name> - Alive, occupying space, and exerting gravitational force.

Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!

Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! He shoots. HE SCOOORES!

If you had everything, where would you keep it?

Someone put live piranha in our swimming pool. If we don't swim there anymore, the piranha will starve.

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.

God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.

I haven't lost my mind; I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere!

When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension.
-- Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common Animals of Roads, Streets, and Highways

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Detroit: Where the weak are killed and eaten.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker

Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.

The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
-- Monty Python's Holy Grail

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-- Joe Walsh

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.

One planet is all you get.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so you better get used to it.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Don't feed the bats tonight.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Listen to your surroundings and yourself, instead of Jimmy Swaggert.

/earth: file system full.

If you care about a dream enough, make it into a reality.

Sin harder! Ragnarok is coming!

Ask a fish head anything you want to. It won't answer you; they can't talk.

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you're having a really good time.

We had to get it passed before the columnists attacked!

This is MY universe and I'm SICK of people BARGING IN!

If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings.

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.

Useless advice #986: Never sit on a tack.

Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning. It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8 am, and in all likelihood still is.

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

"You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being
drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water."
-- Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

The brain can be seen as a complex machine, like a gooey computer.
-- Robert C. Solomon

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom.

It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As pretty as an airport" appear.
-- Douglas Adams

There are some strings. They're just not attached.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

Save water. Shower with a friend.

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

'I want you to stop quoting me out of context,' he said. `Printing my comments intact would make things much easier.' Mansfield went on to claim `I...[like]...boys.'
-- From the Harvard Lampoon's mock of the Harvard Crimson

I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be.

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison.
Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."

When I die, I'd like to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car...

"So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?", I asked. He blinked at me as if I were stupid. "Well what do you think you do?", he said. "You die of course. That's what deadly means."
-- "Last Chance To See", Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine

It's not the fall that kills you, it's the impact on the rocks below.

No matter how hard you throw a dead fish in the water, it still won't swim.

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.

Don't keep a negative attitude, such as "I will not succeed, I will not succeed." Instead, keep a positive attitude: "I WILL fail. I WILL fail."

In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following story: "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?"

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Project: To determine what makes things tick. Plan: ....to stop the ticking.

Job vacancy advertisement. Wanted: Small man for job as a mud flap. Must be flexible and willing to travel.

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
-- Omni

Will your answer to this question be no?

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result.

I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it. -- Unknown English Professor

Last night I held a little hand,
So dainty and so neat.
I thought my heart would surely burst;
So wildly did it beat.
No other hand, though held so tight,
Could greater gladness bring,
Than the hand I held last night;
Four aces and a king.

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake---which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.

Christmas Movies in Times Square
Hot Buttered Elves
Santa's Magic Lap
Babes in Boyland
Crisco Kringle
Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
Not-So-Tiny Tim
Santa Goes Round-The-World The
Nutcracker Swede
-- David Letterman

"I see!", said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Inside this fat body there's a skinny person screaming to get out. I ate her.

"The prince wants your daughter for his wife." "Well, tell him his wife can't have her."
-- Blackadder III

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-- Van Roy's Law

In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "O.K., then forget it".
-- Steven Wright

To my daughter Leonora without whose never failing sympathy and encouragement this book would have been completed in half the time.
-- P.G. Wodehouse -- [Quoted in Pepper's _The Wit and Wisdom of the 20th Century_, p.199, #14]

We now present the conclusion of...The Never-ending Story.
-- From a cable TV broadcast of the movie

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music...and of aviation.
-- Tom Stoppard

[The shooting in Yosemite] would never have happened if we had exercised our right to arm bears.

I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings.
John Gillespie Magee

"Ella, Ella, Ella...Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away! Death *really* hates that."
-- Doctor, Doctor

Excuse me, there is a multi-legged creature crawling up your shoulder.
Spock

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.
-- Steve Martin

I don't know what I'd believe in if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
-- Steve Martin

I am endeavoring to construct a pneumonic memory circuit using stone knives and bear skins.
Mr. Spock

What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
-- Tom Galloway

`Freeways are the cathedrals of our times,' someone said. Not me, but someone did.
-- David Byrne

Okay, we got a full tank of gas, a half pack of cigarettes, it's 90 miles to Chicago, it's dark out and we're wearing sunglasses.
Elwood Blues, "The Blues Brothers"

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work.
Gallagher

Rule of thumb number 26: When in doubt, power cycle.
Joel C. Corcoran

You've never been out of school! You don't know what it's like out there! I've worked in the private sector. They expect results.
Dr. Raymond Stantz, from _Ghostbusters_

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

It works better if you plug it in.

When in doubt, ignore it.

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Oops. My brain just hit another bad sector.

Letter to the editor in the Boston Globe the week of 5/10/94: Bear Hug
In a recent column Susan Trausch [Globe columnist] referred to Smoky the Bear. It is true that Smoky the Bear deserves praise for his campaign against forest fires. But nobody ever mentions the boy scouts he kills for their hats.
(signed) Martin H. Slobodkin, Cambridge

I WANT MY FISH TV!! Last summer, the cable television station that serves Columbia, S.C. aimed a camera full-time at an aquarium to occupy a vacant channel, which was awaiting the September start-up of the Science Fiction Channel. When Sci-Fi replaced the 'fish channel,' complaints were so numerous that the company was forced to find another channel for the aquarium, which now runs 14 hours per day, sharing time with the Bravo Channel.
(SOURCE: Unplastic News, bits & bytes 2/1/94) -- From GNN, a periodical on the WWW

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?" Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for No-Thing.) Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
Camden Benares, Zen Without Zen Masters

Psychographic marketing techniques helped Raid roach spray marketers discover that the reason low-income Southern women were the heaviest users of roach spray was that "a lot of their feelings about the roach were very similar to the feelings that they had about the men in their lives," said the advertising executive on the account. They said the roach, like the man in their life, "only comes around when he wants food." The act of spraying roaches and seeing them die was satisfying to this frustrated, powerless group.
American Demographics, Nov. 1991

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
-- Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.

How can I love you if you won't lie down?

If I follow you home will you keep me?

I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.

Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies.

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

Nuke the whales

The torture never stops.

It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilso

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.
-- Woody Allen

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

It seems that during an exam one day at Cambridge University a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The proctor refused, and the student responded, "Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale." At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale". Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley.

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!

I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.

Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now

"'The Universe' was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments."
PBS

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."
--Isaac Asimov

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

'Albert, stop telling God what to do.'
Niels Bohr

Happiness is having a chitinous exoskeleton.

Wanted, Dead or Alive: Schrodinger's Cat.

Winner, "Papers I wish I hadn't written" contest: Montagnino, Lucian A., "Test and Evaluation of the Hubble Space Telescope 2.4 Meter Primary Mirror" Proc. SPIE, Large Optics Technology, Vol. 571, August 1985

"Back off man; I'm a scientist."
Dr. Peter Venkman, _Ghostbusters_

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.

Life is the whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.

Love is like pi---natural, irrational, and VERY important.

Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill.

In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs.

OLTIONS'S COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE: Bang! ...crumble.

He had this van that was painted all around, you know, with large Feynman diagrams. And you know, most people would look at those diagrams, of course, and they would look like some squiggly lines and they would mean nothing. But every so often, obviously, someone would see them and say, "Why do you have Feynman diagrams on your van?" And he would say, "Because I'm Richard Feynman."
-- Interview with Edward Fredkin, physicist NOVA: "The Best Mind Since Einstein"

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salary of a large research staff to study the problem.
-- Bill Vaughan

When anyone says 'theoretically.' they really mean 'not really.'
-- David Parnas

Heisenburg may have slept here.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.

An intellectual is a man who says a simple thing in a difficult way; an artist is a man who says a difficult thing in a simple way.
--Bukowski

It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-- Albert Einstein

While the builders of the cages sleep with bullets, bars and stones, they do not see your road to freedom that you build with flesh and bone.

We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang separately.
-- Benjamin Franklin, 1776

Being in a minority, even a minority of one, does not make one insane.
-- Winston Smith in Orwell's "1984"

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
The victor will always judge the defeated, and always find him guilty.
-- Goering, during the Nuremberg Trials

'My Country right or wrong' is like saying 'My Mother drunk or sober'
-- G.K. Chesterton

"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids rich and poor alike to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets or steal bread."
-- Anatole France

You can cage a tiger, but you're never sure he's broken. Men are easier.
--Bukowski

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

"I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it."
--Voltaire

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
-- Edmund Burke

When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ...Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
-- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"

And this I must fight against: Any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual." John Steinbeck