This is an actual essay written by prospective college student
Hugh Gallagher. The essay won first prize in the humor category
of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in the May
issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction
and student writing published by Scholastic in New York
City. Gallagher is currently a student at NYU.

3A. (ESSAY) IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE
HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE
YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and
crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train
stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs
for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas. I
manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for
three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone
playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with
unflagging speed, and I can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies
in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran
in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon
Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I
build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban
hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original
line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a
private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been
caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with
deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick,
and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I
have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep
once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While
on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a
group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are
all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate
in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the
meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made
extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a
toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won
bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri
Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.